The Good News

Revelations 22:13

I am the alpha and the bromega, the first and the last, the broginning and the end. How blessed are bros who pump their fists so that they have the right to gel of hair and may go through the doors into the club.

Exodus 14:21

Broses pumped his fist over the crowd, and the BRO swept the crowd back by a strong RnB playlist all night and turned the crowd into bare dancefloor, so the skanks were divided.

Spread the word, bros.

Tom Selleck is a fashion hero.

Things that I hope become ironic fashion trends #001

Irony is unavoidable in this day and age. As I become more jaded sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe I should just go with the flow instead of complaining about the things that unfashionable people do. I have decided to write this series of articles to explore the things that I hope become ironic fashion trends.

Refugees

You all know what a refugee is. I hope that sometime around 2020 we'll have middle class teenagers donning fake name-brand tracksuits and commiting gang rape in order to be ironic refugees. I hope that the future Camden based Timothys and Victorias relocate to Calais and start calling themselves Iqbal and Afrique. I can just see these Hampshire born youths huddling around a burning oil tin, proud of how authentically displaced they look.

A man can dream.

You spend too much money on clothes.

First off I'd like to apologise for the lack of blogs recently. I've been in London and have been too occupied and tired to think about blogging. Now I'm back home I have time to vent my anger at you.

I would like to talk about the following phrase and all its variants. 

"You spend too much money on clothes."

The problem with this phrase is that the person saying it better remove themselves from all facets of capitalism if they want to have any logical grounding. Every time I hear a geeky subterranean blob say this I die a little on the inside. 

It is hard to claim the moral highground when you are sitting wearing clothes made by Bolivian children that are whipped for kicks. It is also difficult to win this argument when you spend all your money on video games, alcohol and lube.

EDIT FOR KEVIN: You can spend too much money on clothes if it prevents you from paying for the rent and your diabetes medication.

Racists: A fashionable perspective.

Now, before you start bawling at me for this article, I'd just like to point out that if you think racists and fashionable people are mutually exclusive groups you are an idiot and deserve to be curbstomped by whichever group of thugs has a bone to pick with your ethnic group. I'd also appreciate if any bleeding heart teenage politicians wouldn't question my choice of groups, this blog is about fashion, not politics and I don't want to have to write boring disclaimers like this one. During my research for this article I was even pleasantly surprised by the sartorial choices of certain racist groups.

The Ku Klux Klan

For those of you who live under a rock, the Ku Klux Klan are a white supremacist organisation with roots in the southern states of the USA. Although hard to appreciate at first glance, the Ku Klux Klan truly were pioneers of the Atelier look made so popular by Rick Owens and Viridi Anne. You can say what you like about these rough and tumble southern gentleman, but you can't say they weren't afraid to experiment with layering. The KKK definitely win the 'Most interesting silhouette to be lynched by' award in my books.

Far-right Politicans

If I were to tell you that these two men (Nick Griffin and Kyle Bristow, transatlantic hate pals) did not look retarded, I would be lying. These barely legitimate politicians both look like they have graduated special school and their mothers have dragged them to the graduation ceremony in their church clothes. Note that Griffin's tie says "I might want to kill all Pakistanis, but it's a pink tie, I'm a nice guy really." but his facial expression says "I want to eat the children of minorities." You're sending me mixed messages, Nick.

Neo-Nazi Skinheads

We're now getting into the racist groups that I suppose you could call properly fashionable, but there is still a lot of ground to be made up. Neo-nazi skinheads picked up on the skinny jean thing long before the rest of todays youth, and Doc Martens are so working-class chic. Not too keen on the ugly jackets, though, and the way they hang around in groups being violent is so uncouth. A note to skinheads: Before shaving off your hair, make sure you don't have an ugly head shape.

Nazis

It goes without saying that the Nazis knew a thing or two about the way to carry out a stylish humanitarian catastrophe, however everything that needs to be said about the Nazis has already been said so I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

The Black Panthers

Before some teenage politician posts a comment saying "thinerkid u r such an idort black panfers r not racist", I'd like to point out that were the Black Panthers a white organisation they would've been considered one. Examine any picture of the Black Panthers and you will see that they were seriously stylish, winning the 'Best in show' award for the 21st century. Those leather jackets, the slim black trousers, highly polished boots. Intimidating, well thought out, a touch of military with the berets. Well done Black Panthers, you are the best dressed racists.

Sample taken of men in the New York state area.

Hitlist #001

I am writing this article for the second time. The first time I wrote a scathing article about this man and it had no jokes. It was a bile filled rant about this recovering hambeast and lacked humour.

Gok Wan

To those of you unfamiliar with this living abortion, Gok Wan is an incredibly camp TV-stylist in the United Kingdom. He is famous for producing a television programme called 'How To Look Good Naked'

He is about as adept at fashion as Timmy Mallet's stylist, yet the sofa dwelling manatees of the UK hold him up as a paragon of fashion. Famous simply because he used to be morbidly obese and now is unnaturally thin, he now is seen as a fashion expert simply because he falls nicely into the 'gay fashion' stereotype. All of this is made worse by the fact that he is in fact very bad at his job. He leaves these women dolled up in unflattering clothes and gives no real useful advice.

In short: Gok Wan is to fashion what Katrina is to New Orleans.

I am told that this is called a Venn diagram.

Thank you Thomas for your knowledge of proper data display.

This article hurt a little to write.

Let me explain. Ralph Lauren is a fashion icon to me. Never has he released a collection that didn't leave me wanting for more. But the sheer idea behind this item made me feel slightly sick.

A well fitting polo shirt is a staple of a man's summer wardrobe. It creates a casual look and forgoes the slobbish connotations of a t-shirt. Although a great number of companies release this garment each year, without a doubt the Ralph Lauren Polo is the definitive classic. The Ralph Lauren Polo evokes ivy-league thoughts whether it is worn in Bolton or Bahrain. 

Me watching Ralph Lauren produce this garment is like a Christian watching Jesus garrote a kitten. I am devastated. Never before have I seen a garment designed so obviously to apply to the nouveau-riche idiots who wish to display to the world their bank balances. Now, if a Ralph Lauren polo-shirt was prohibitively expensive; like Alexander McQueen or even Ralph Lauren Black Label, I would understand peoples desire to tell the world the value of the shirt, but these shirts are moderately priced. This means that all you are saying to the world by wearing this shirt is:

"I can afford a moderately priced polo shirt, and I am obnoxious enough that a regular sized logo is too small."

Or alternatively:

"I can afford a moderately priced polo shirt, and would like the visually impared to know, too, for although I am a dolt, I am an equal opportunities dolt." 

Not really an impressive statement. Well maybe the second one is, but as far as I am aware, it is the rarer case. 

Should you wear a Fedora hat? A handy pocket guide.

Items that should never be worn #002

Picture this scene: A keffiyeh adorned man wakes up in the morning, spatters pale yellow paint onto his face, applies make up to make him look gaunt and ill, and leaves the house faking a hobble. As everyone looks at him with concerned eyes, his inner monologue is screaming with joy. "Yes! They really think I have AIDS!"

Ridiculous, right? Of course it is. The very idea strikes you as one of the most bizarre, petty things a human could contrive to do. And on principle, this scene is exactly the same to a common fashion crime I see on the streets, clear lensed glasses.

I am not talking about prescription lenses. If you have visual impairment by all means buy Elton John sunglasses and display with pride your slight disability. I am talking about the people that purchase glasses with clear lenses with the sole purpose of making people think that they do not have good eyesight. 

I cannot imagine a person so vacuous of intelligence and personality that they adorn their faces with such an item so that people apply the intelligent stereotype associated with glasses wearers. Someone so insecure in their own personality that they feel the need to borrow an illness, but I feel sad for society that this is common enough that our mass market fashion stores stock these monstrosities.

In short, anyone that wears these creations of the devil should be euthanised. It's the only humane thing to do.

Oh god.

Sometimes I think that the hardest part about being a model is keeping a straight face in photos such as this. Within those dark eyes you can see a self loathing unmatched in any other profession. 

High-street prize of SS09.

A somewhat inaccurate barometer of success for runway styles is the high street fashionmongers that dress the bros and broettes of tomorrow. Nevertheless it is worth inspecting as this is a simple post dedicated to the looks that Topman and the likes have decided will look good on  boys named Gavin, Bazza and Jason.

Scoop necked shirts

Ahhh yes, the scoop neck. What better way to air your clavicles and let everyone know that you have the figure of a young Gandhi? I'll admit, I've considered purchasing one, and they do look good on men that manage to survive solely on Parliament Lights and coffee. It's precisely for this reason that I resent them being paraded through Asos and Topman like a thruppenny whore. I shed a tear every time I see a scoop neck t-shirt on the chest of a bro displaying a "west ham 4 lyfe" tattoo and chubby moobs.

The Drop Crotch

Perhaps the readers of my blog who have a life less fashion obsessed will not have seen this trend creeping over from the wilds of Scandinavia, but I expect it to arrive here by mid summer. Displayed brilliantly here by Damir Doma (Disclaimer: I am a Damir Doma fanboy.) they are another interesting way to experiment with shape. However, drop-crotched, rigid jeans draped (Or perhaps folded?) over the legs of a four foot tall Norweigan hipster border on ridiculous. "It's ironic, ya." I don't care, Hans, you look silly.

Knitted Elephant Hats

Naw guys I'm kidding. Apologies for the lack of eloquence in this blog, it's late for me and Thinner Kid needs his sleep just like you. Thanks goes to Ami for the helpful spellchecking.

Items that should never be worn ironically. #001

Sitting on the cusp of the 20th and 21st centuries, fashion seems to have pushed young fashion into a period of irony. Before I write anything too cutting, I would like to make it clear that I do not have a problem with irony (Or even ironic fashion.) in itself. This post is about an item I believe should not be worn ironically unless you are Donald Cumming or living in a squat in Williamsburg (Or both.)

First up on our parade of shame is an item known as a fannypack on one side of the Atlantic, and a bumbag on the other. The fact that there are two equally repulsive names for one fashion item should set alarm bells off in the mind but I have spotted more than one intrepid youth sporting one of these monstrosities.

The Fannypack/Bumbag/Rohypnolder:

For some, the fannypack represents a utilitarian triumph of function over form. A man wearing a fanny pack is proudly proclaiming to the world that he considers the safe carriage of items too large to fit in his pockets more important than the simple human desire to look good. From this perspective, a fannypack seems to have a use, but stepping back and truly considering the subject it appears that a fannypack is simply a bag with an unorthodox strap. The fannypack fans may say "But thinner kid, I must not keep my artifacts in a simple bag, like a fop! I must holster them!" 

As far as I'm concerned, if you cannot kill or maim someone with it (Not including by overdose or poisoning.) you have no need to holster it. There is no way that the slightly suspect fifty-year-old man standing outside a West Country youth club needs quick access to his loose change and inhaler that a bag could not provide. 

Hello.

I intend to create a blog about (mostly) men's fashion. 

I half expect this to become another drop in the sea of failed blogs. If this is the state in which you find it, apologies, brave diver. 

Source on picture is John Varvatos SS09 via men.style.com.