Items that should never be worn ironically. #001

Sitting on the cusp of the 20th and 21st centuries, fashion seems to have pushed young fashion into a period of irony. Before I write anything too cutting, I would like to make it clear that I do not have a problem with irony (Or even ironic fashion.) in itself. This post is about an item I believe should not be worn ironically unless you are Donald Cumming or living in a squat in Williamsburg (Or both.)

First up on our parade of shame is an item known as a fannypack on one side of the Atlantic, and a bumbag on the other. The fact that there are two equally repulsive names for one fashion item should set alarm bells off in the mind but I have spotted more than one intrepid youth sporting one of these monstrosities.

The Fannypack/Bumbag/Rohypnolder:

For some, the fannypack represents a utilitarian triumph of function over form. A man wearing a fanny pack is proudly proclaiming to the world that he considers the safe carriage of items too large to fit in his pockets more important than the simple human desire to look good. From this perspective, a fannypack seems to have a use, but stepping back and truly considering the subject it appears that a fannypack is simply a bag with an unorthodox strap. The fannypack fans may say "But thinner kid, I must not keep my artifacts in a simple bag, like a fop! I must holster them!" 

As far as I'm concerned, if you cannot kill or maim someone with it (Not including by overdose or poisoning.) you have no need to holster it. There is no way that the slightly suspect fifty-year-old man standing outside a West Country youth club needs quick access to his loose change and inhaler that a bag could not provide.